i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
