we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize