i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
