i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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