So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize