I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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