I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
