If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
