She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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