i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
