You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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