I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
