Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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