There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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