I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
