Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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