Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
