theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
