Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
