Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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