I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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