i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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