I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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