Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
