Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize