I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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