Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
