It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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