there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
