you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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