So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
