i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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