a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
