I am midnight drunk by noon
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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