God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
