i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
