ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
