My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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