New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
