this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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