I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
