he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
