No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
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