hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
