I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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