I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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