This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
