paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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