highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
