Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
