Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize