don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
