we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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