your parents love me but you hate me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
