is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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