the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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