I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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