i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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