the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
