apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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