a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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