if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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