chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
