Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She said her name was "party"
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
