Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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