According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
