I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
